First and foremost: I am not sharing this with you for any reason than to hopefully help someone else going through a tough time! I have been so thankful for advice and comfort from others who have been willing to share their experiences and I can only hope and pray that my experience would help someone else going through something similar. God can use our stories and our journey to help others along the way if we are willing. And why would we not be willing? It is HIS story after all, not mine!
Let me begin by saying I never thought miscarriage would be part of my story (or Gods story for my life)! If I'm completely honest I thought: "Wasn't infertility enough?" Selfish, I know! Because i know so many people who have been through so much more heartache than me and still I thought mine was enough. We are not promised an easy life? We are not promised that we will not face suffering, pain, or hard times simply because we know the Lord! We ARE promised a way through those hard times if we ABIDE in Gods love for us and truly trust that he will never leave us or forsake us! So, here is part of my story: Almost three weeks ago I faced one of the hardest weeks I have faced.....possibly ever. This may mean that I am sheltered and have not faced a lot of loss in my life (which I am thankful for), but none the less it was a crushing week for me and my family! I found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant! Any of you that have followed me for any amount of time probably know that I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and mild hypothyroidism so I have struggled with infertility for the past 16 months. Finding out I was pregnant was such a wonderful surprise because this was the month we had chosen to take "off" of fertility meds for a few reasons, but mainly I just needed a break from the hormone roller coaster! So, like I said, huge surprise since I had been using fertility meds for 7 months with no success that on the month I didn't take them I got pregnant!!! :) Fast forward 3 weeks after we found out that I was pregnant and we come to three weeks ago when I unfortunately ended up miscarrying. I will spare you the details, but I do want to share with you what I have learned and what I have seen the Lord do for me through this terrible situation so that if you are going through something similar you can see that there is hope in the sorry and can be joy in the pain.. Never in my life have I been so aware of the truth behind the scripture in Deut. 31:8 that says "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you..." It is so clear to me in hindsight how the Lord prepared my heart, mind, and soul for this crushing blow. The people he has placed in my path that have walked the path of miscarriage before me and handled it with such grace and faithfulness were such a Godly example for me and HUGE comfort when I felt so alone! And miscarriage can be such a lonely place because it usually happens before you have told a lot of people you are pregnant so then when you miscarry it just feels awkward to tell people, but you are hurting so much you feel like you need to explain why you are acting the way you are acting. Such a lonely and confusing place to be! Also, infertility and miscarriage are not talked about a lot because they are both just such bummers, you know? When you have pregnant friends or friends that just had babies you don't want to rain on their parade with your negative Nelly news. So a lot of the times you just keep quiet. Another way that I have seen God in all of this is that He placed a hesitancy in my heart in getting too attached to this pregnancy. I know that might sound strange, but I just "knew" from the beginning that something wasn't quite right. Some might call it intuition, but I call it the Holy Spirit! Davis and I decided to wait until we heard a heart beat until we told our boys about the pregnancy and that is just one more way God protected my family and heart. I do not think I could bear having to tell my 2 precious boys that the baby they have prayed for was given and then taken away so quickly. My heart and mind can barely comprehend it with complete faithfulness and I am so glad they were protected from the questions that something like this brings! For anyone reading this who is going through something similar right now I want you to know you are not alone! It can be extremely lonely because you are hurting so bad, but the world around you just goes on like nothing happened. This is how it has to be and should be, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting a little to have to put on a smile in public when you really want to curl up in bed and cry! I want you to know that it is okay to cry, to be mad, angry, sad, and hopeful all in the span of an hour. For me it has felt like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. One day will be really good and I will feel like I am hopeful and ready to move on and the next day I don't want to smile or talk to anyone. Feel those emotions and know that it will get better, but then it might get worse, but then it will get better again! The best advice I can give you is to try your hardest not to get stuck in the darkness, bitterness, and negativity. Search out posiivity and happiness and don't feel guilty when you feel okay again! If you grieve for 2 days and then feel good the 3rd day just embrace it because the next day might be bad again and the negative emotions might come out of no where and slap you in the face. My other piece of advice is to take a break from FB or social media because inevitably someone is going to post that they are pregnant and throw you into that downward spiral when you least expect it! Of course you are happy for them! But just because you are happy for them doesn't mean you can't feel sadness and jealousy too! You are human so give yourself a break and take the time you need to recover and grieve and heal! Life will go on and you will feel hopeful and happy again! Just give it time and seek counsel and advice from others who have been where you are now! Don't walk the road alone because miscarriage is already a lonely place to be and not allowing others in will only isolate you further! You never know who you might help by sharing your story and journey with others! Finally, don't lose hope! There is a greater plan for your life (and mine) and there will come a day hopefully where we can look back at these experiences that hurt so much and see how they were creating a beautiful story that only God can write! I long for that day and know that it will come if I am patient.
2 Comments
Samantha
4/27/2016 05:36:00 am
Such a great post, it touched my heart and reminded me of how hard the wait and pain is. Proud of you for sharing and always here for you friend.
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Kathy
4/27/2016 07:04:37 am
Well said. Thinking of you and praying for you!
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Susan OzierChristian. Wife. Mother of 2 Boys. Runner. Clean-eater. Fitness and Nutrition Coach. Archives
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